Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
